Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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