the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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