Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My liver just had a heart attack.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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