I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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