I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
