Whatcha textin bout Willis?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
