Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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