I met the friendliest cop last night
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
