Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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