Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
