I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
