apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
