Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
