How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
