I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
