Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
