I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
