I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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