Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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