its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
