Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
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