Swine flu. Run for my life!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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