he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
