I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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