I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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