onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Are we still banned from the library?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
