I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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