You made me cry and you don't even care
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
