what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
