I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
