at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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