How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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