my phone needs a breathalizer
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
God, I missed his penis.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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