By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
