I want to make a zoo with you.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
