I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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