Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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