Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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