I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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