I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Acid is not a monday night drug
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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