Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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