I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
