she woke up with a sticky ear
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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