Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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