Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
