i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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