I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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