Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
stop calling my apartment porn island.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
