just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
