my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
