Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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