I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
