How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
