You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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