Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
